Crab Suicide Caught On Film, Spurs International Outrage

History of the Crab pt.1

With China’s seafood consumption skyrocketing to hitherto unknown figures, an increase in fishy smelling Chinese farmers seems inevitable. Crawfish and shrimp alike are busted open by bare hands, sometimes still alive after days of neglect in a small plastic dish bowl, and their juices wiped clean on shirts, pants, and subway poles.

Spicy crayfish is a delicatessen to most of China, but they're also trash for trash people.
Very Fast Nongs Eating at Incredible Hihg Speed

But what about the West’s favorite Decapod, the crab? Surely this much-loved pet would not suffer the same fate? Capitalism was a mistake in many ways, but the deification of the Brachyura aka Crabus Crabus was not one of them. With a brain capacity rivaling that of a small herd of foals, the post-industrial revolution crab swiftly found itself becoming a mascot to everything that is true and right in the world. Perching itself on the shoulders of world leaders in a showing of strength rivaling anything from the Orient.

The International Incident

But it seems eastern values lack the honor needed to respect the spiders of the sea. Disturbing footage of some type of crab sacrifice has been released, a singular insight into the depravity of Mainland China.

In the short video, we can see a boiling cauldron placed next to two unconscious crabs (names withheld to protect the families). It is unclear whether the crabs were direct family or lovers, but it seems one had already perished when the other shocked the world with xir’s actions. Upon awaking, the crab, realizing the ludicrous political state of the People’s Republic he now found himself in, contemplates and executes on the ultimate sacrifice. His twitching limbs a testament to the effects of boiling hot communism on the capitalist brain.

Could Kim Jong Un’s extensive collection of seafood be next on the menu for the PRC?

A Lesson for the Future

We cannot save this elegant creature. But some reports are saying this flagrant violation of the Geneva Convention has spurred Mainland China to pursue a much larger Arthropoda target: The Hermit Crab Kingdom and all crabs therein. The long term ramification of this video has yet to be decided, but in the future, we might be referring to this brave crab as the Archduke Ferdinand of its time.

Artist's interpretation of an alternate universe assassination of Archduke Crabhat

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