Japan’s counterculture is the nation’s claim to fame outside of hideous war crimes, so it’s not unexpected the Nipponese like to really lean in on the depravity. Their ‘Used Panty’ vending machines have become so infamous, they could replace the Rising Sun flag with some soiled pantsu.
After engineering the horrific events at Nanjing and Unit 731, their eyes were set on offending all possible sensibilities. This time, legally. The Japanese set out to destroy visual beauty through the creation of anime, pure love through weeb VR weddings, human decency through MMA fights between adults and 12-year-olds, and ruining the mouth-feel of candy by comparing them to testicles.
But the Chinese-hating population of Nihon koku might have just topped themselves with a new fried chicken flavor that has sent perverts all over the island scurrying from their parents’ closets and into their nearest Tenka Torimasu franchise to savor the latest flavor: Idol Sweat.
But not just any Japanese idol. According to Tenka Torimasu, the sweat has been ‘engineered’ to resemble the sweat of the members of the pro-Trump Japanese Idol Group Kamen Joshi (仮面女子). These masked girls are no strangers to gimmicks, as their ‘Jason Voorhees meets Sailor Moon’ made them famous overnight. But can they compensate for what they lack in musical talent with what trash foods they can get weebs to eat?
Anna Tachibana, member of Kamen Joshi, says that this is “the birth of the karaage (boneless chicken chunks) people have been dreaming about.”
To the disappointment of hundreds of basement dwelling weirdos, the tangy and salty flavor of the fried chicken doesn’t come from actual idol sweat. The taste is constructed from a humdrum combination of cheese, lemon juice, and salt. You’ll pay about 4 dollars, or 400 yen, for the privilege, but Tenka Torimasu has vowed to kick out any customer sporting an erection while eating the meal.