The Weeaboo Future: Marrying VR Hentai Women

The Weeaboo Future: Marrying VR Hentai Women

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weeaboo
enPR: wēʹəbo͞o, IPA(key): /ˈwiːəbuː/
(slang, derogatory) A non-Japanese person (especially one of Caucasian ancestry) who is obsessed with Japan and behaves in a stereotypically Japoanese manner.

The Weeaboo is a paradoxical creature, both intensely proud of its illness and rightfully ashamed of it to the point of disability. The Weeb spawned unceremoniously in Japan during the aftermath of the second World War. With the dropping of Fat Man and Little Boy on the country’s major urban hubs, Nippon’s glorious centuries of stunning art and culture congealed under the heat of nuclear fissure. The result? Two cities wiped off the map, 200.000 innocents evaporated, a generational fight against post-nuclear cancers, and the oxymoronically named ‘Weeb Culture’. But since then, the islander Weeb has begun something of a transformation, or should we say ‘infection’?

Weeb Culture can be traced back to a single irradiated island.

Through boats, planes and cartoon porn-trading Usenet servers the disease eloped past the natural boundaries created by the Sea of Japan and the Pacific Ocean, nestling new homes in the worst of the worst of the West: France. United States. Spain. The part of Belgium where they all speak French. One by one these nations fell. Ages of consent plummeted. Panties became national currency. People started calling each other ‘Baka’ like it actually meant something. The type of defective person you would have to travel halfway across the world to observe suddenly started appearing outside the land of the rising sun. You might not have noticed their arrival, but your mind did. Have you ever seen more anime profile pictures on social media than right now, right this minute?

Weeb-crime stats keep going up every year, and even Weeb-crimes we know nothing about has soared.

However, there remains hope. The West is showing the symptoms but, unlike the Great Barrier Reef, has not yet been declared terminal in its sickness. Changes need to be made on all levels of day-to-day living and government. Politicians need to speak for the non-Weeabo parents of an older generation, who find themselves walking lovelessly into their basement dwelling child’s hovel to see a grown man feverishly masturbating to a toddler in bondage gear slapping a hermaphroditic clown across the rectum with a whip for hours. Schools must play their part in teaching the early warning signs of Weebness: the playing of Pokemon video games, the listening to Linkin Park, or the sudden interest in cultures different from their own. Children must be taught now, before it’s too late, that such classmates should be scolded and cast out. It’s a harsh world where the pariah will either perish or adapt to a non-Weeb lifestyle of Batman action figures and those Jurassic Park dinosaur toys with the squishy chunk that you can pull off to see their guts and bones and junk. For the millions living on the isle of Nippon, however, such measures will come too late.

She can look in disapproval, but she can’t say ‘No’.

The latest report by the National Institute of Population and Social Security Research was both an eye-opener as well as a brutal indictment of how far the country has sunk at the hands of fictional cartoon characters and their 2D bosoms. According to the report, the proportion of men who have never gotten married by age 50 was a staggering 23.37 percent of the population, 3.23 percentage points up from the survey conducted in 2010. A lot of these numbers can be accounted for by Japan’s ‘Parasite Singles’: emotionally stunted by overexposure to pure strain Japan, these youths find themselves unable to form any kind of relationship with someone with a mind of their own. They attach themselves to the fictional women in their comics, cartoons and video games and call them their ‘waifus’. Real women of flesh and blood do not appeal to them, yet the social construct of courting and celebrating a union in a grand ceremony still weighs heavily on them. And this is where Weeb culture truly goes off the rails.

With the looming threat of rejection from the familial teat drawing closer every year, Weebs often resort to base attempts at appeasement. They will arrange elaborate situations and pretend the mass produced pop-culture character of their dreams has declared them an alpha male. Parents recoil at the sight of these mouth breathing neckbeards dining at candlelight with an anime body pillow and are only calmed by the fact Weebs will rarely venture outside to embarrass them and the knowledge, the hope, that sometimes children die before their parents do. In Tokyo, the metaphorical hub world of anime depravity, underage porn game developer Hibiki Works takes us to the outer rim of decency and pushes us all off. Their latest game ‘Niitzuma LovelyxCation’ is all about courting young women to wed, an experience it seems only approachable to the Weeb in a fictional setting. But Hibiki Works doesn’t stop there. They have rented out a wedding chapel to promote their latest VR experience, allowing the walking shames of Tokyo to all but consummate their absurd relationships, while making the world collectively facepalm. This assault on traditional values and wedding traditions essentially legalizes the marriage of Weebs to a series of ones and zeros, appearing to them in the shape of a big titted child who’s actually a 3000-year-old witch.

She can’t reject you if she’s not real. But she also can’t say ‘I do’.

The government isn’t stopping this, which is tantamount to encouraging it. But why is nothing being done about the sole reason for Japan’s aging population? The truth is that Weebs have infiltrated all echelons of Japan’s government, holding top ranking positions in key departments of the establishment. The smoking gun was revealed only last week when Japan’s Reconstruction Minister was engaged in a heated back-and-forth with an anti-Weeb journalist while wearing a tie depicting an anime. Which anime is impossible to ascertain as all characters in anime look the exact same save for their hair color. There can be no doubt: Big Anime now owns the island and its penis-shaped tentacles are reaching outwards into the West. Is this the future we want for our children?